A game

There have been many things that this year has brought and left with. All the cliches that you can tag it with like good, bad, happy, sad will never describe it adequately. There are multitudinous reasons why I would remember this year forever and a few more why I would forget it for good. Nonetheless, I am me for having lived through another year. Everything we have done or will do seems to be part of a cosmic game- or is it? Feels more like we are the inventors of the game of life and we are the players in it too. The game is not really that simple, just because of the number of players involved. More importantly, it is not simple for the fact that a human response is never dictated by the situation, but is more dictated by our perception and involvement in the situation. The purpose of the game is not to win- life is never about winning. What is a victory today might be a failure few years down the road and vice versa. The purpose of the game is neither not to lose. It is just to live and learn. For now, let us just call it the game of emotions.

At this point I would like to dedicate this post to Shweta, whose statement gave me inspiration and direction on this blog. Things that are seemingly innocuous are designed such that you get to know the other conversant or object of research better. This particular trait is true in every aspect of life and I never really saw it that way until a few days ago. The response of a person is always dictated by logic and reason- nay- it is also dictated by emotions. The contribution of these factors to a decision/response is the ultimate variable and fluctuates between a maxima and minima whose limits are unreadable. Emotions seem to exclude logic, but logic does not necessarily preclude emotion. When the response is so variable, how are we even going to stereotype a person. That is another point where the game is complicated further. The response can never be typified and if you do typify the response, you are sent back several paces in the board. You relearn what you need to and then come back to a spot in life from whence you can stare forward and steer clear of further pitfalls.

Wisdom, logic, clear thoughts, and a perspective help you to move through the board game. But they are not all. Sometimes the presence of emotions and sometimes the absence of emotions help you to move forward too. If emotions vary between 0 and 100% on issues, how do we know what will help us move forward. The simplest explanation seems to be when the mind emotes to a huge extent, ( when emotions tend to infinity), our response has to be dictated by logic- learnt that from experience. Similarly, when logic pervades our fiber, we better decide so. This solution is never an exactitude. When people and other people's emotions are involved, we probably need to use a little emotion in our response. Just writing this blog or reading this post is never going to ensure our response, as it would just be a typification then. And I would like to run away from typification in this sense.

If this game is so damn complex, why do we play this? What do we gain from it? Day after day we pose questions and set up experiments that helps us understand the game a bit further. But do we really understand? Where do we really stand in it? Do we understand the number of paces that we have moved forward or backward? How do we know if we have come to the end of the game? That is just it. The game never ends and it grows interesting each day. WE LIVE IT AND LOVE IT as every single day passes. Understanding people, emotions and life is the ultimate intellectual conundrum. Understanding the human body, the numerous diseases and the laws that govern motion and reaction are easy. Understanding everything else is impossible. It is tough even to explain a question in terms of emotions and life that you will not even see a request for financial aid as a written proposal of research in emotions.

We do not research it. We do not question it. But, we experiment it, toy with it, question it. What is that 'it'? 'It' is something inanimate and animate at the same time. 'It' is humongous and tiny at the same time. 'It' is what we all strive to understand. Is 'it' life or a livelihood; emotion or logic; energy or application of energy? I do not know. I am still trying to understand 'It'- the game

Measure of Happiness

All said and done, we do not live for love; we do not live for others; we do not live for the rest of the world and peace in the world; Whatever we do and whatever we undertake is for ourselves and everything makes us happy. When some action makes us happy, we take it for granted because that is what we wanted. When some action fails and makes us sad, it sticks out like a sore thumb in our memory and we think of it more often. For the actions that made us happy, it is not that we forget it, but it hides behind a veil in our memory and we search a little for those memories. It is not very often that people ask you if you are happy. They ask you if you are feeling down or sad when they feel like it. When someone asks you if you are happy over a given period of time, it seems to dredge up thoughts. The quality and emotions of the thought seems to rely on our most recent memory. If sadness or doubts are the most recent memory, we tend towards a depressive state or self doubting or self-loathing and/or sympathetic state. If happiness is the most recent memory, we never seem to care anymore about it. We just move on without mulling over anything. Happiness seems to be one of the most highly rated/highly wanted emotion in this world and in spite of that, it is also the one thing that is taken for granted the most.

If we do take it for granted, by what measure do we say that we are happy. If its the most wanted thing in life, we certainly must have a measure to tell if we are happy or not. Would that measure be something material like money or clothes or food? or would that measure be more abstract in terms of friends, philosophy, satisfaction? I certainly do not think so nor have I been able to point out my measure of happiness in those terms. They just seem to be factors by which others think we are happy. The inherent happiness or sadness in each of these factors is only known to us. The way we weigh happiness today seems to be by accomplishments and big ones at that. Everyday accomplishments take the side bench on our trip to accomplish the greater things and what happiness we should feel for the smaller accomplishments of the everyday routine life have evaporated into nothingness because we do not give it the thought it deserves.

In absolute contrast to enjoying every small thing in life, if we go down to the level of enjoying mundane things, the special nature of the big accomplishments are lost. Either way, whether we smile for routine matters or for bigger surprises, we do not seem to know a measure of happiness, nor do we care to measure a singular important entity like happiness. This seems to be a paradox from where I view it and would definitely seem to be a better situation if people could objectively talk about an emotion like happiness. I wish I could point out a measure of happiness that would seem to fit all considerations. But,happiness being such an abstract thought would depend so much on individual perspectives.

If there is no measure for happiness, we would not know where to stop in its pursuit. Each small thing that seemingly would make us happy would only increase the necessity for further things in life. This would precipitate as a huge race and the final marker indicating happiness/victory would never arrive. We essentially would be where we are currently- in pursuit of material and metaphysical milestones with the hope that they would lead to happiness. When we reach one milestone, the road stretches further and we do not know if we want to stop our journey or continue. We do not know if we want to see further nor do we know if we are happy with the milestone reached. The only real search in life is for happiness and the target is invisible. If the journey is happiness, then the journey is never-ending.

The question now is should I feel happy for having written the blog? or should I feel sad for not having found an answer yet?

Evolution of knowledge

There is never a single moment that the world has slept. It has lived, breathed, perspired, toiled, sweated and grown. Inexorable and ineffable, we have watched it grow without some understanding at first and with a slight understanding later on. What we know seems to be a drop in the ocean and the mysteries we are yet to understand are endless. And it shall remain so for the future generations that shall live on this earth, for growth leads to evolution and evolution leads to convolution of current knowledge and that leads us onto further searches of knowledge. In a strange thought of paganism, we have probably been made in the splitting image of the Earth- Mentally and metaphysically and not physically though.

We change from birth until death and whatever change we have made is subject to further changes. We live or try to live, we breath and that is a given, we perspire and toil to feed us and others, grow in stature and strength and finally without understanding ourselves, and without realizing our dreams, we die. The energy within us does not die though and it is conserved around us and we pass on the energy to someone else and that is probably where the concept of 'rebirth' occurs. Since it is the same amount of energy that has pervaded the universe from time immemorial, there has to be the process of rebirth. We sure know or we do not believe that such a thing occurs in physical form. But the ideas and thoughts we perceive and provide stay for generations to come until they are abolished to obscurity for the future generations will always know better than us.

Knowledge grows from strength to strength, but ancient knowledge does not diminish in value. The knowledge gained over the past centuries will not mean a thing to the future unless we know why and how the knowledge was obtained. Till the end of our life, we try to learn this aspect and the irony is that at the end, we do not want to pass on all of it. The future is better off when it learns for itself. This is not about the change that occurs around us, but the constant that pervades the universe. For thousands of years billions of people have lived on this earth and we still do not understand every single personality that lives within our reach. Statistics could very well argue that if knowledge of people and knowledge of psyche were passed on from person to person, we would know everything to know about others and there might not have been war or peace; opinions or arguments; good or bad; perception or absolute.

Every which way we turn, we are faced by perceptions and opinions. It is up to us to learn what each one of them means and how each one of them impacts. Whether we shall contradict those opinions or argue or ill-treat others depends on us and the knowledge we gain while interacting with the rest. The knowledge is neither set in stone nor written on water. The knowledge is again a perception when we learn it. The only way to then make knowledge absolute is by constantly evolving it and ourselves, in which case knowledge is not absolute again. We shall go through these circles forever- of knowing and not knowing and of appeasing and letting down people. At the end, it does not matter at all, because the knowledge is good only when you learn it yourself.

Choices

Dear Sanath,

Times have passed- some good and some bad. Avenues have been explored- some fruitful, some a dead end. Life still moves on and I have lived it as best as I could. The praises heaped and the eye brows raised by others have not had an impact on me. They are fleeting moments of pleasure or heartbreak. The silent moments where I have sat by myself and contemplated life and things I had done have largely made me what I am today. I have committed a great many mistakes for which I have brooded a lot and finally forgiven myself for. I have performed a few good deeds, which in retrospect have made me really happy. The best times have always been when I did good by myself and not affected anything or anybody around me. Time and again life has given to me what I thought I would never need, but ultimately could not live without. Whether I went behind things or whether I stood waiting, they have always arrived and they have helped me along.

Choices were abundant. Lines of thought were abundant. Philosophies of life were abundant. But the over riding theme of everything was that life progresses, no matter what. On the point of choices, whether it makes you feel good about yourself or not, the truth is choices are always right or wrong. But, being wrong is just a perception and it is not absolute. Being right is also the same, although a great big majority would agree on right decisions than on wrong decisions. So, to rephrase, choices have been right or easy. From what I have understood, choices when right, make you feel good regardless of the outcome. The easier choices do not give you a feeling of satisfaction and bug you for days on end. Further on those lines, when you make a choice without knowing what you are getting into, they have never worked well for you- they were just the easy choices. Then again, there were a few choices were you knew what you were getting into and still took the easier choice instead of the right one. I am writing this to you only because these choices have shaped me. As I have rightly heard in some movie, 'History is never an accident. It is always a choice'.

You will undoubtedly reach this stage in life and think about everything in retrospect as I am right now doing. If there was anything in my life that I had to change, It would be the easier choices. Now that I know they were not right for me, I would like to go back and lead a perfect life. Then again, I would not have had the experiences that I did without all those choices, good or bad. Just a warning that your life is ahead of you and you have the time to take the better and the right choices all the time. Though, I shall not complain if you chose either way because then we would have a chance to meet just as we are.

From

Dr. Sanath Kumar,PhD
Nobel Laureate for time travel :P

Re-search

Days pass by us in a hurry. Every single day brings us a new delight and every single day shows us a new direction. We know not where the direction leads. But it is novel and we shall pave the path for the others to trod. When I started working on a research project in the lab, I had a defined project that would give me a singular answer. As time passed, I explored around my project a bit and discovered one more direction my research could take me. As I kept exploring both the directions, something new cropped up and very soon I was sitting on a pile of directions I could take. When I was pondering about this, I noticed that life was not that much different. Every single thought, action and emotion have this characteristic of divergence. What is true today does not remain true tomorrow. The conviction and connotation of truth is not the same from day to day. Change has affected every little thing possible. The land beneath my feet has not been a constant. The friends around me has not been a constant. The crushes in life have not been a constant. The work, the books and lots more- everything has taken different directions.

When I came to cross roads in my project, I had the freedom to choose multiple routes, explore them each a bit and continue with the most promising one. In reality, I am afraid, we make a choice and we just progress on that choice. To turn back to the fork is not going to work as every little thing influences our life and we are changed because of our choice. Every single fork that we choose upon stays in our mind, dulled by the repetition of memories and dulled by the richness of experiences of every single second since then.

As a mark of progress towards an academic doctoral degree, we write journal articles at some point of time. I would write mine by sifting through all the data that I have collected over the course of my work and try to make sense out of it. It is these data points which we interpret to mean a lot of things and it is these data points that define the direction of our research. And as we look back, choices that we made while facing forks are what have defined us. What we thought of our choices lends to understanding ourselves; What others think of us are shaped by those choices as the rest of the world perceives. Somewhere along this way, we understand what life is about; about social customs that are deemed appropriate; about impressions that we try for and impressions that we obtain; about the million other things that dont make sense when we just perform them.

In research,there are a lot of things questioned and we have the liberty of falling on previous literature to try and understand whatever we study. In life, despite the presence of numerous biographies and autobiographies, we tend to think every situation is unique and we tend not to understand lessons taught. True that every situation for every person is unique. However, the lessons learnt seem to be pretty universal. We go through every situation learn things ourselves and berate ourselves for not having understood the lesson earlier- pretty much like research.

As I think about this and write this piece, I hope that when life flashes past in my memories, I would feel that I have been a pretty good researcher. As much in life as in science

On the count of attraction, I plead guilty

You breeze your way through the streets of my heart and expect me to look away while a whiff of you sets me afire. A glimpse of you and all that I am is ready to follow you to hell and back. If all you want is my peace, here I am ready to give you a piece of my soul. Only if you would turn around, I could show you a fraction of the passion that I hold for you.

What attracts you may ask. I have no answer nor would I want to search and find the answer. The question is tantalizingly out of reach and as long as it is out of my grasp, I will strive to find out more about you; I would want to lose my solitude in your company. If all it takes is one lifetime to win you over, I shall give it and expect to give more. As time leaves its traces on my body, I want to leave traces of my love in your heart.

With all this in my mind and a heart-stopping vision in front of me, I approach you to only let you know that you are my dream poured into an earthenware of your body, molded with the fire of your soul, enlightened by the radiance of your smile. You storm my mind with the disdain of a tempest and I want to know if you would also calm the waters rippling in my heart with your presence. I profess my love to you as I would profess my allegiance to the king of my lands.

What burns in me and what do I know of you? is the thought on your mind. I do not know you except before this very minute nor for the life of me can I answer what burns me to tell you so. But the one thing that is imprinted into my very thoughts is that I want to be with you from this moment on. I do not know if my thoughts are right, nor do I know if you perceive my truest intentions. I believe the future will tell you the fiber that built me if you were to be my life. If you reject me outright, I shall not rescind my love; Rather, I shall apologize for my impetuous thought and action.

The apology is not because I disturbed you without purpose, but because the distress that I caused is to the one I am in love with. The apology is not because of the sadness I would feel for a loss but because of the happiness that I would have shared with you. The apology is not because you do not like me, but because I am attracted to you. If it was not love at first sight, I shall apologize for my attraction. If it was love at first sight, I shall apologize for the attraction.

Now, I move on, to the next big storm in life. I shall neither curse you nor forget you nor shall I regret the loss, but I shall watch my feelings and draw bliss out of every emotion I savored. As I meet the next big person in my life, I shall not be afraid to apologize for being attracted. For, it seems, an apology relieves you from the guilt of attraction.

A love letter

The days pass in a whiz. The nights pass in a whiz. The weeks, the months, the years have zoomed past me. I am still searching for you. I shall find you and live my life with you else, I shall die trying. The beauty of nature pales at a single thought of you. I just want to bend towards my work and stay focused to escape thoughts of you. It seems to me that I would be more readily accepted in this world if I were with you. You complete me; You complete my purpose; You complement my purpose in life.

You are the dad who pats on my back for having done something good. You are the brother who goads me on to do something better. You are the sister who wishes the best for me. You are the mother who cradles me in her thoughts. You are the daughter whom I would always protect and set free at the same time. You are the family for which I shall feed through thick and thin. I shall work hard for you. I shall search the 7 oceans, the mighty mountains, the vast plains and the silent deserts. If that were not enough, my heart, nerve and sinew would search for you individually in this cosmic wonder called earth and life.

I shall recognize you in every work of mine. My passion for you shall never end. If you chose to caress me, I shall forever be your slave. If you chose to hold me close, I promise to not abuse you. If you chose to live with me, I shall forever be worthy of you. If these were not enough, I shall discipline myself to just wait for you till you choose me.

You shall be my guiding beacon. A single thought of you shall wake me up from my slumber and set my adrenaline flowing. A thought of you will push me to the limits of my existence. As each day flows into the night and each night flows onto the next day, dreams of you shall follow every movement of mine.

'Success', I love you.